I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
