eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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