i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
there's paper in my vomit.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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