when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
