i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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