I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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