But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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