Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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