dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
