I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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