New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
