i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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