I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
