Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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