You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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