I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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