Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
two words...techno handjob
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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