I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
