So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
