cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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