The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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