I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
