Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
