If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
