Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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