they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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