i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
