Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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