She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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