I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
