who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
