Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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