I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
