hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
