six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
