I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
