I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
