We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
