he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
