dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize