Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wish you could order shots online.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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