apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
