I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
