i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
