I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
