I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Houston, we have a blender
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize