my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
