Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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