i need an iv and a liver transplant
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
