Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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