If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
