i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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