if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
