I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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