DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
