He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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