dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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