hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
