i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
