every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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